The not so itsy bitsy yellow polka dot bikini (Copy)

90’s and 00’s kids know two things- good commercial jingles (hello Yoplait) and unrealistic and unhealthy body standards. It didn’t seem damaging at the time, but as someone who has struggled with food from a young age, it sure as hell is coming back around in my 30’s.

Can you imagine the mind fuck that happens when one moment you’re 10 and watching commercials showing skinny girls who are terrified to be in bathing suits on the beach, and the next minute you’re 30-the heaviest you’ve ever been, and in all of places you’re back in the Target swimsuit section?

When you’re ten and one of the first girls in your grade to go through puberty, life is hard enough. Make sure to add in being overweight and unhealthy with a mom who has an eating disorder. The first thing you’d want to do is go bathing suit shopping, right?

You go to the women’s section and look at the maternity bathing suits, and longingly look towards the cute section of the store where another girl is being shown selections by her mother that says would look adorable on her.

Her.

That feeling starts to come up, the eerie and looming one- the one that makes you feel uneasy in your stomach. You feel so guilty, convinced that mom’s watching their interaction and wishing she had a daughter who looked good in everything.

You go to the dressing room, she insists that it’s ‘no big deal’ despite the chairs in the waiting area. You put on the maternity bathing suit and become convinced you’ll be much more comfortable in the one piece because you wear one all time for swimming, and you won’t have to suck your stomach in as much. Mother knows best, right?

Fast forward two or so years and it’s that dreaded time of year again- bathing suits slapping you in the face as soon as you walk into Target. This time your eyes dart to something you’ve never seen before. It’s a mix between a bikini and a tankini and that small scrap of fabric will cover up your self-proclaimed ‘second set of boobs’.

You pick it up and look towards mom, preparing for the searing blow. Maybe she will be different this time, I’ve lost a little bit of weight and gotten taller after all. Surprisingly she’s in a good mood, and maybe finally you’re going to feel normal- this is it… Until you overhear her talking to another mom in the waiting area "[I’m so glad they’re finally making options for girls like her"]”, and your stomach drops. Tears start to stream down your face, you better breathe through this and suck it up, she hates it the most when you cry.

And just like that, you’re back in 2026, in the bathing suit section of Target looking at the same dreadful in-between bikini and tankini. But this time, your first thought isn’t “that’s the only one you could wear'“.

You’ve just had a hysterectomy. You made the choice to stop the cycle. You look at your belly in the mirror- and instead of trying to hide it, you let it go. You exhale fully, catch your reflection, and for the first time smile at yourself in a store. This time, you don’t have to glance over your shoulder, bracing for her cold reactions. She isn’t there, and she can’t hurt you anymore.

I wish I would have had an older sister to walk me through these moments, but honestly if I would have- it’d have been a lost cause. She’d be brainwashed too. If I could be the older sister to my younger self, I’d say a few choice words and give her this reassurance.

The only thing "wrong" with you is the time and lineage you were born into. The child of centuries of estranged mother daughter relationships, early deaths, babies having babies, and obedience. It might not be everyone's experience- and you're right, it's not fair. However, this is the legacy; this has been the story. You can choose to be another cog in the wheel, or you can find the light in enjoying your life in spite of it all. 

You can choose to hide your body, allow your perceived flaws to hold you back from enjoying the life that you’ve worked hard to create. Choosing a different path meant turning your back on a lineage of women who didn’t know how to love, but were the only semblance of attachment you had. However, the moment you forged a different path- each hardened woman in that line had a part of them healed knowing that their suffering contributed to events that caused someone to find healing.

You have something that ran sparse in the family line, humility. By being open to confrontation and constructive criticism, allowing your mind to change, and being willing to recognize that you are also sometimes the problem, you are foraging a new path. That path is defined by discernment, and it starts with recognizing that it doesn’t matter how you look in the bikini as long as you’re able to enjoy the activity you want to wear it in. (You also look really good in yellow btw).